397 people chose to take their own lives in 2018.
That’s 36 more people than the year before.
We may never fully understand why anyone would choose to take their own lives.
According to a Scientific American article,
Suicide is a multicausal act. Teasing out the strongest predictive variables is difficult, particularly because such internal cognitive states may not be accessible even to the person experiencing them.
What struck me was the next line:
We cannot perceive the neurochemical workings of our brain, so internal processes are typically attributed to external sources.
Further, the same article quoted Ralph Lewis, a psychiatrist at the University of Toronto:
“A lot of people who are clinically depressed will think that the reason they’re feeling that way is because of an existential crisis about the meaning of life or that it’s because of such and such a relational event that happened… I’ve seen many cases where these existential crises practically evaporated under the influence of an antidepressant.“
In addition to juggling too many balls in 2019, I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. After six appointments with a psychiatrist, I realized that it was one-part chemical and one-part internal.
The internal part is what I’ve been struggling with.
Here’s what I found:
- I’m not good enough: since young, my mom had been telling me this, either directly or indirectly. Despite all my achievements, that subconscious thought still resurface every now and then.
- I might not have enough: although I’ve never struggled financially, I’ve always avoided paying my bills because of my fear of not having enough. This has nullifying effect on my finances because when I have more money than I need, I’d spend it all.
- People will judge me: very often what’s holding me back is the possibility of others judging me. This has damaging effect as I choose to procrastinate instead of taking the very actions that will lead me to my goals.
When it’s time to set my goal for 2020, I decided that I want to take control of my time, my life, my thoughts, my actions, my emotions.
Because I figured if I don’t take control of them, others will be more than happy to take control of it for me.
Go forth and make this new decade the start of you taking back control of your life.